Stop the lapdance i want to go home,

I have officially spent the entire day in bed watching tv. Despite that, i have also managed to do 6 essays so i'm quite pleased with myself. A little bit upset at how badly i have cabin fever & how lazy i now feel, but i guess i have good reason seems as i am actually bare ill. I haven't managed to sit/stand up for more than half an hour at a time today because i get too dizzy & feel like i'm going to pass out. Still, I don't think i'm going to get to sleep easily tonight... oh well. I feel bad though; this is my fifth day off school in the last 3 weeks. That means in 3 weeks i've had a week off &, taking four essay subjects & all, it means i'm going to have about a million essays to catch up on. Don't you just love school?

My brother went off on his school trip to Isle of Wight today, i'm so jealous. I remember my year 6 trip, it doesn't even seem that long ago; i cant believe he's that old already. And i really cannot believe he's coming to Graveney this year, its going to be so weird seeing him around school. And in the uniform. Haha. What a little munchkin, I don't think i will ever get bored of laughing at him in it.

I read my mum's prospectus from the University of Kent today. It sounds really nice, i think i will go look around it with her... except it would be really weird if we ended up going to the same place. Oh dear, i don't think i'd like that. But I'm really excited about the whole university business now. Before whenever it all got brought up i just felt sick & butterflies-in-stomach-y, but now i'm looking forward to it all. Even though i don't actually even know what i want to do... but hey.

Apart from the weird random fever yesterday the weekend was okay, quite good. Saturday was a little bit disappointing- was going to go to laila's but didn't get that far. Went to Grace's after work & then met suzanne for a chinese. On the way to laila's we went to see rosie & her beautiful buff rudeboy boyfriend who has a curfew of 9pm but only got as far as tooting bec before i felt like i was going to pass out, so had to go home instead.

Hello.

Friday a nice early start. Went into school at 9.30 for my interview and bonded with my form tutor after a really long, interesting conversation about universities, which is good because now i don't have to hate her anymore for being so shit and ruining my AS level psychology education. Oui. Then back home to finish my Open University assignment. In the end it worked out really well and i think i can definately say i am quite proud of it. Which is a nice feeling, especially seems as i was convinced i would still be there at 11.55pm trying to make the final changes before the midnight deadline. Then off to meet Halina and Seana for a long-awaited shopping trip. Bought nothing i'd planned but everything i love. And that is great. Straight from shopping and a  v e r y  s l o w bus journey & lovely chats with Halina to school to watch superstars Anna & Gemma in Westside Story. I was so proud sitting there watching them. I have such talented friends.
Saturday no work which was just so great i cant even describe. Woke up when i wanted and lay in bed chatting to my mum. Did a bit of homework because i wanted to stay busy and be productive. It got to one o clock and i decided i really didnt want to go meet Luis Miguel after all, so cancelled and took up my mum's offer of a shopping trip and lunch on Kings Road with the fam. Got home, went out again. Met Aiden in blockbuster, rented The Mask Of Zorro 2, went back to mine and rented a pizza. Such a good night, i think i spent about an hour just crying from laughing so much. I love those days- proper belly laughs. Kicked him out around 12.30 and went to bed with aching stomach muscles.
Today woke up at 6 after having the most awful, awful upsetting dream. I'm so sorry seana but i dreamt your parents died. It was fucking awful. I woke up with the heaviest feeling in my body, i just wanted to cry. Then after about 10 minutes i realised it was all a dream and went back to sleep again until about 11. Phoned my grandpa and had a nice chat and then went to meet Luis Miguel who is just so amazing and interesting and just aww. So lovely. It felt so exciting to be sitting there in a cafe for hours & hours speaking in 3 different languages.

LOOK AT THIS WEBSITE!
GO TO 'PORTFOLIO' & LOOK AT THE BEFORE/AFTERS.
http://www.fluideffect.com/

Tell me what you think.

Lots of late night talks with my mum recently has made me realise lots of things you can only realise after a very long conversation about life at 1am
She talks such sense, my mum, it never fails to impress me. & she's so interesting; i don't think i could ever get bored talking to her.
She has had such an amazing life, i can only dream of having as many amazing experiences as her.
The other night her and my dad told me about when they went to live in this random island off Ibiza for a year just before i was born. I think my mum was about 19/20, they went out to ibiza to go clubbing and ending up going to live with all these weird acid-taking people on some tiny tiny island which was basically a big volcano. They met this woman in a bar who had been discovered by the man who found Jane Fonda and Brigitte Bardot but had failed to make it big time and had a big breakdown and became a sort of glamorous wreck. They went and lived with her and worked as like cleaners or something... until one day she sent my dad off on some errand in the next town on a motorbike with no brakes and he had to jump off while it was moving and nearly died. Then she tried to drown herself in the sea (something to do with returning to mother nature?). And so my parents decided it was time to go.
But ha.
Crazy stuff, beats Tooting.

Anna's back from her Crazy German Adventure tomorrow. I hope she's had a good time, i remember she so wasnt looking forward to it. I remember french exchange; i was terrified, absolutely terrified before i went, but in the end it was brilliant. Its one of those things which before (& maybe even at the time) is really hard to see the fun in because you are just so busy feeling completely out of your depth and just-wanting-to-be-at-home-really. But in retrospect you are always so glad to have done it. And proud. Its a great experience.

I wrote my first thing for Open University the other day. So scary, i had to write a short story. But i got the feedback today and it was really good. Like, really good. I was so relieved. And surprised. Its one thing writing something and getting an opinion from people who don't actually have to do it themselves, but from a person who writes, like you, and is obviously very creative... i felt quite out of my depth. But hey. There's loads & loads of work involved, its going to be really hard. But in my new ever-optimistic frame of mind, i'm just going to call it a challenge.

My brother had his first date on Wednesday. He's 10. His girlfriend came back to our house and they spent hours in his bedroom watching Monty Python and The Mighty Boosh. My mum gave them some money to go get bread etc from the shops and jack came back with a bagful of sweets he'd bought to impress his biatch. After she left i asked what they got upto all that time alone in his bedroom. He went bright pink and squirmed around a bit before telling me they'd held hands...
I hope they used protection.



i'm never going to miss you again.

Harri has the nicest house. I think i love it.
It would be so fun to live in central london, apart from being a bit noisy it would just be so exciting to be right in the middle of the city. There is something really glamorous about saying you live in waterloo opposed to a rubbishy, ordinary neighbourhood in south london.
Last night was quite great in parts but if i ever see Tequila again i might be sick.
And our cleaning this morning was really quite something. It was like a before/after of 'how clean is your house?'

( well hello... )
Now say Hello; I'm bored.
Half term in 1,2,3 days
& Eds diner in soho yesplease.
G Day + The Importance Of Being Earnest tomorrow= Great Stuff

I don't think i can come to Barcelona. I'm not certain yet but i think this year there is going to be a lack of time/money (mainly money) meaning i wont be able to come. Oh well.

I'm so happy at the moment. I feel so relaxed just generally, i think this is the first time in my life that i can honestly say i don't care at all about whatever life throws at me. I'll just go with it, see what happens. And i feel completely happy about that. I've never felt so laid back before. Ever.
It's a good feeling.
So generally feeling A+++ good.
Except for the feeling of intruding....
>3<
Ouch.

& once is okay
but
twice is a message

I'm so happy that Pete Burns is on Celebrity Big Brother. I absolutely love that man, he is a legend. And Preston is just beautiful. And Chantelle is just... Paris Travelodge.
I still want to read that book so much. Paris' autobiography. I think it would be so interesting.

We've been watching a lot of giving birth programs lately. I don't think i can ever do it. It looks like the most terrifying thing you could ever do. And the reward at the end isnt that great either... the babies come out all juicy looking like mini Gollums. Ugh.

Also, important stuff here....
Who is actually coming to Kano?
4th Feb, £12
Because me and suzanne want to go but... it would be good to get a big group going... non?

I have a good feeling about 2006

admittedly it didnt start so well... well it did until a certain point, but before that point New Year's Eve was brilliant. the people i spent 12 o clock with were amazing and i havent spent so much time laughing so much that my stomach aches in ages.
i'm so happy to leave 2005 behind, it was a shit year for me. probably one of the worst years of my life. but its over! &new year=new start. and this year i'm going to make changes. and i want to figure out a lot about the future like find out more about travelling in south america+cuba+mexico and find out how much its going to cost me. i need to plan and buy my plane ticket to go stay with my cousin in spain- clubbing in Barcelona(!). i need to save some money. i need to make sure i dedicate more time to my friends and me&my friends because 2005... i felt like i didnt know anybody anymore.
admittedly starting 2006 with both my grandma's either seriously ill or in hospital is shit but they will be okay, they have to be. and this year is going to be... better. and this year i will be better. and i know this all sounds so cliched but i don't care. i'm being optimistic and besides, it said so in my horoscope so there you go. it must be true.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

1. Find out more about South America + start saving
2. Plan trip to spain and actually do it
3. Take more opportunities
4. Go out more. Kinda ties in with 3.
5. Read more.
I know they are boring. But they are all important.

Brokeback Mountain comes out on friday! i cant wait.
Heath Ledger + Jake Gyllenhaal kissing.
nuff said.

Thank you so much to Aiden, Anna, Jessie, Rosanna and Seana. And Laila and Michael.
You are possibly the best people i have ever met. And Biff is just a legend.

Anna i am so sorry about what happened to your dad's ipod and mum's credit card. It takes the piss, i hope it gets resolved. Thank you for lending out your house to a lot a lot of people. I hope your brother isnt too ill today. Awh.

I am about to be forced to go for a walk in/on box hill. I might be sick, i am far too ill for that level of activity. I need to curl up and hibernate right now. Owh.

But to everyone reading... Happy New Year!
2006.
here's to a new start...

&i hate you.

I decided that starting January i am going to give £15 a month to an AIDs charity. On friday i watched a programme about HIV/AIDs following 6 different people infected with it from different parts of the world. It was one of the most heartbreaking things i have ever seen and it makes me feel so sick to think how ignorant i was/am about it.
One of the people was a 17 year old street kid from Ukraine who up until a few years ago had spent almost his entire life on the run from the police. In Ukraine the police see streetkids like rats. There is a constant war going on between them, everytime they find somewhere to live the police find it out and burn it down. This boy managed to escape and got himself into a refuge and got his life back on track though has AIDs from sharing needles. In the programme he goes back to visit all his friends who are living under the streets in the sewers, he spends about 20 minutes with them, then takes the camera crew to show the remains of their last home-an abandoned shed-type thing- which got burnt down. The next day he goes back to see his friends and the entrance to the sewer has been covered up. Concreted over. Probably with the 10 boys still inside. Because nobody cares about them. To everyone they are just a waste of space. Nobody gives a shit.
So they are sealed up inside a sewer and left to die.
Just left to die.
It makes me feel so sick.
So why should i be earning like £150 a month and then watch something like that and do jack shit? £15 a month isnt that much i know, but i know that it will make a difference. Well... i hope it will.

The last time i updated was so long ago. I've tried to write a post a couple of times but every time i opened the window i just closed it again straight away. Didnt particularly feel like sharing everything i was thinking with a massive bunch of people on the internet...

21 DAYS TIL CHRISTMAS! But also... 1 DAY UNTIL CHRISTMAS  NUMBER ONE for me! 
Really cant wait until tomorrow.
Its a shame that real Christmas is going to be so shit. Hopefully tomorrow will partly make up for it. I think this is the first time i can genuinly say i am really not looking forward to Christmas. I fucking hate bad luck. Why does everything shit happen to undeserving people? It makes me so angry.

This weekend was good.
How is everyone? Tell me wa gwan with the Livejournal massive, its been a while since i've been part of it...
x

I'm so tired of always being confused. I never know where i stand and even if i try i don't think i would be able to please you anymore. Things have changed. I never know for definate but its always at the back of my mind that its aimed at me. And us. I don't know what to say or not say anymore because there's a different rule that goes for me. The slightest slip could set it all off again. And now it just feels that all the closeness is lost. Because it is. In every case.

I finally decided what phone to get--- K750i ---i think its quite a buffting. Quite excited now.

4 day weekend next week, i cant wait.
On sunday i slept in until 10.30am, i cant remember the last time i slept that well. I cant wait until christmas to go to tenerife.

Is anybody else not so upset about all the christmas adverts? Yesterday i saw adverts for buying christmas trees and the first adverts i saw were back in september... I think it just ruins the whole christmas spirit so much... makes it one big shopping trip. Just a big shopping list.
This year because we are going to tenerife, rather than taking the father christmas presents with us and having loads to carry we are doing some dutch thing where you hang up your stocking on 5th December instead to celebrate St. Nicholas or something... Father Christmas is coming early in the darby household this year...

I'm very tired. I feel very disconnected. I miss having someone to talk to.

My mum is talking about me on the phone. Its not a conversation i want to hear.

2 days until Kano. Quite excited, i really hope we get in. If not... what should we do?
And in a couple of hours Joe gets here which will be a bit great.
I have so much work to do. I'm putting it off and putting it off. I don't even have anything to say, i'd just rather write on here than get on with analysing the flashbulb memory or repression or write about the KKK.

Last night i slept for 11 hours. It felt so nice.
And i'm feeling better now which is good after passing out on friday and being sent home from work on saturday for illness.

I hope everybody's having a nice half term.

I've been thinking so much lately that last night i had a dream where i sat in a park and thought. Just watching people and thinking. Thats bad. I need distracting.
Kano tickets came today. I felt so important having post that wasnt just letters from friends. And today i bought 4 stamps and one for France.
I made an amazing playlist today. Seriously, its amazing.
I never understand why some people make the effort to start a conversation with you when they cant actually carry one on. It just seems weird. I never understand how some people can find talking to others so hard? Surely it just comes naturally?
I read over my new years resolutions earlier. I havent kept any of them. I'm so disappointed, i was really determined to this year.

I didnt mean it though when i said make yourself feel at home i dont think you should give me that tone just go close the door behind you

i remember... january&june&july
I'm still checking horoscopes

This is such a stream of consciousness
Yesterday my walk home was great. I like it when one thing can turn a whole day around.

Astrology has just become my new lover.
In other words you mean= "perfect match"
thankyou.

So happy because lots of things seem to be finally falling into place. Today has been a good day. The last few days have all been a bit great, things are looking up. And today i realised that i actually do have a plan, and i know where i want to go. And the money i'm saving is going to be for travelling around South America which is good. Because now i have another plan. And sometimes a phonecall is all it takes to makes things a million times greater, and make your smile just that bit bigger.
I am so happy.
3 weeks 1 day.
1 day left until the weekend. I've never looked forward to the weekend as much as i do at the moment.
Funny how msn never works when you actually have something worth saying... I think i'm about to burst.

So today was quite good. Its slowly getting better, i kind of like it now except for a few things which seem to be getting worse. And english is so hard, i think i want to drop it. I don't understand it at all and theres no way i can do the essay we're supposed to do. So thats a bit tragic.
I quite like free periods, although i guess soon they're just going to turn into times to catch up on work and stuff. Honeymoon period nearly over and all that. I dont know i'm chatting shit really i just feel like saying
now i understand what its like for her. And theres no point bringing things up that will just get deneyed.
I love Supernanny.
Film Club CAS thing was rubbish. It felt so much like being in a cinema. And you really do literally just sit there watching films, so boring. I wish i'd got on the HeartStart one...
Cant think of anything to say. I'm off to watch Britains Next Top Model.

I feel really shit at the moment. I have a massive headache that feels like Michelle Mcmanus is sitting on my head or something. I'm so tired, it feels like a lifetime since i last slept properly. For last 4 nights i've gone to bed early thinking i'll be able to catch up on sleep, but as soon as i lie down my mind just seems to start racing and all i can think about is, like, everything. Tonight i'll be able to get a maximum of about 4 maybe 5 hours because i have to babysit forever and then get up at about 7 for work. Ah i cant cope, i just want to sleep, properly. And to go back to being all smiles and everything that i usually am. I don't like things at the moment. I don't think i adapt well to change, its not working for me. And Spanish is just so scary, everybody seems to be amazing, speaking like they are Spanish theirselves. I think i just want to sit infront of a huge fire, wrapped up really warm and just sleep until everything goes back to how it was a month ago.
I like 6th form, i think its really good. Its just that it feels so draining. And everything is so different, which in a way is good because there are interesting new people, but in a way i just miss people from Year 11. I loved all my classes then, always such a laugh.
Mmm and i feel really lonely. I think i just miss the way things were a month ago. The similarities, the...I don't know really. I cant explain it. I miss having the stuff in common with someone that is really special to me. I just feel really... alone. And so just 'ugh'. Wanting to be wanted is so needy but you cant just 'stop' it. Especially when you've just lost it.
Sorry to be so negative guys, but sometimes you just have to vent.

 Somehow i thought this summer would have been a lot better than it was. Not that its been really bad, because it hasnt. Its just not been what i thought it would, at all.
I'm glad its finally over. I'm bored of being at home.
Obviously its been nice going out, getting up when i like.... but its boring. Everyday is the same story and it feels like i don't ever spend any of my time actually doing anything productive. I'm looking forward to going back... getting a bit of structure back into my life and meeting all the new people. I think it will be nice. Beeing able to go out and have time to yourself always seems so much better when its harder to get.
I also think i've changed a lot this summer. Probably in ways you wouldnt really notice unless you were looking, or unless you were really close to me. But i have. And i'm happy. Because i think in some ways i've matured a lot but you probably don't understand what i mean but thats okay.
I don't know. There's so much stuff i wish i could change. I want to move house. I don't like my room right now. I really want to buy so much stuff for it so i can make it nice and just stop hating it so much. I can tell this new debit card thingy is such a bad idea. I'm going to be broke. All.the.time. I think i'm a compulsive shopper. And i keep internet shopping and going through to the little checkout thingy and nearly nearly buying all this stupid stuff but then having last minute second thoughts and not going through with it.
Job interview tomorrow. I'm sonervous.

Lots & lots of photos from the( Scilly Isles )
which was pretty much greatgreat stuff. so beautiful, lots of nice weather. cheltenham talk-"mooch" "stump". lots of pubbing and being bought drinks. I think we only bought ourselves like one drink each throughout the entire holiday which was quite good going i think.

The last few days have been a bit of a shock. Everything is a bit strange right now. I don't really know what to think except that Ivan is so brave to do this and he is going to have such an amazing time. Its so weird to think that he's actually gone now...

I think its time for a change. No more Paris for President. Watch this space.

I cant remember who i was talking about this with the other day BUT

KANO
27th October @ Scala
£12

who's up for it?

I don't think i like having this job.
These last couple of weeks i've realised how lazy i actually am. I don't know how all the mums do it. Staying at home everyday with a little kid i would actually go mad, its so hard. I thought it was going to be easy but you do not get a spare minute to sit down and rest all day. Constantly have to give all your attention and have to play games with them, paint, draw, run around after them. Its so tiring. But right now shes tired too so we're watching Care Bears.
Tomorrow is my last day though.
And its not like i've hated every minute, it has been fun. The little girl can be quite cute, just... she has her moments.

Then Friday i'm going away for almost 3 weeks: wales+devon+scillies. There are still people who i havent actually seen since Prom. I think the last week of the holidays we should all make sure we go out and do FUN stuff every night because the night life so far this summer has been... well, rubbish.

Last night i took my brother on a date. I took him out for a meal and then we went to see Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Has anyone else seen that? So funny, i was laughing the whole way through. And even though he had some dodgy hair cut, lots of lipstick and a grey face, Johnny Depp still looked buff.


This post is rubbish. Its just its been so long, i feel really cut off from everyone...